Spent another weekend in New York raising hell and causing problems. Here's some lessons I picked up, in no particular order:
- I'm not allowed to be intoxicated in public places. This is in the best interests of you, me, my friends, and the world at large. Topping the list of places I shouldn't go is Manhattan during Fleet Week... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
- When drinking liquor in quantity, I actually grow in size and strength and then proceed to multiply. One shot, I'm still plain ol' me, just a bit more talkative. Three or four shots and I'm pretty sure I can take anyone in the room one on one. After six shots or so, I am a company-sized element, ready to stomp any faces that present themselves. Eight or more and I'm at least a full battalion of pissed-off paratroopers. In my mind.
- I'm pretty awesome at talking to cops, particularly when I'm a bit inebriated. This is good.
- People find my insanity interesting. Some people actually enjoy participating in it. I don't understand this either.
- Drunkenly shouting "I'M A GODDAMN PARATROOPER YOU DAMN DIRTY POGS!!!" at groups of sailors, Marines, pretty much everyone, on a rowdy Saturday night in Manhattan, is not a great way to make friends. Shocking, I know. (For you civilian types, "POG" (pronounced 'pogue') is an acronym for Personnel Other than Grunts, i.e. non-infantry. It's pretty derogatory.)
It's probably a good thing that I have to quit drinking for an extended period of time.
Deuces
Monday, May 28, 2012
You know what's awkward?
When another dude's (very cute) girlfriend is way into you, and spends almost an hour talking about nothing but you. I'm not complaining - I love talking about myself, especially with pretty girls - but the situation just struck me as being very unfortunate.
Usually people don't find me that interesting... blah.
Usually people don't find me that interesting... blah.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
A Weekend in Westchester
Well, they finally let me escape for a few days and make the ten-ish hour drive up here to my mom's house in New York. Conveniently my mother's birthday was this weekend, so I got the added benefit of looking like a kind and loving person (a luxury I'm not often granted).
I 95 was the usual battle of Jack vs. Stupid Fucking Americans. If anything, it was slightly worse than usual. I'm not certain if everyone in Virginia drives like a complete and total ass hat, but from my limited and strictly non-scientific observations, the licensed Virginia population consists of approximately 85% idiotic cunts. Luckily for them, I have enough self control to suppress my inner postal worker.
Anyway, I've been having a very nice weekend consisting mostly of rampant alcohol consumption, getting spoiled silly with wonderful dinners out (thanks mom!), and straight up stone-cold chillin' with the homies. Life could be worse.
I have to head back to Braggdad tonight for reasons I can't disclose... shit's getting really real at work lately. Hopefully this will help with my current state of hyper-anxiety. Not knowing, combined with anticipation, can be really goddamn stressful.
Keep calm and drive on...
I 95 was the usual battle of Jack vs. Stupid Fucking Americans. If anything, it was slightly worse than usual. I'm not certain if everyone in Virginia drives like a complete and total ass hat, but from my limited and strictly non-scientific observations, the licensed Virginia population consists of approximately 85% idiotic cunts. Luckily for them, I have enough self control to suppress my inner postal worker.
Anyway, I've been having a very nice weekend consisting mostly of rampant alcohol consumption, getting spoiled silly with wonderful dinners out (thanks mom!), and straight up stone-cold chillin' with the homies. Life could be worse.
I have to head back to Braggdad tonight for reasons I can't disclose... shit's getting really real at work lately. Hopefully this will help with my current state of hyper-anxiety. Not knowing, combined with anticipation, can be really goddamn stressful.
Keep calm and drive on...
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
I Have Three Letters For You: PBR.
No, not Professional Bull Riding, although that is pretty kickass as well. I'm referring to Pabst Blue Ribbon, that cheapest, most wonderful concoction of water and agricultural sludge that some affectionately call Poor Boy's Remedy.
Okay, okay. It tastes like the horse they got it from has a UTI, but you know what? Fuck it. It's one of those things that you either emphatically love or completely despise, and I fall decidedly into the former camp. Let me list the ways in which PBR is awesome.
- It is a goddamn American classic. Been around since before the Civil War and won its namesake Blue Ribbon right around the time this country was still powered by trains and land snatching. 'Murrca!
- Presumably it has some trace amounts of alcohol in it, as evidenced by both the age requirement to purchase it and the fact that I'll work up a decent buzz after about half a case of them. As we all know, alcohol makes everything better.
- I can literally hydrate myself off of nothing but PBR. I really have no comment on that, except for the fact that human body is an amazing thing, with the liver being a particularly clever organ.
- In most places, PBR is substantially cheaper than energy drinks (which destroy your body, and don't get you drunk) and bottled water (which, again, does not get you drunk). At my local Post Exchange, you will receive a nickel back from a six dollar bill when purchasing a twelve pack of it. That's 49.17 cents per.
- PBR is available in both bottles and cans for the same low price. Cans are great because you can shotgun them (which is really just the epitome of class) before you crush them and spike them at your buddy's face in a declaration of manly awesomeness. Bottles, meanwhile, make excellent paper weights. Win-win.
- Tom Raper drinks it.
Pabst Blue Ribbon: if you don't like it, you're probably a freedom-hating communist.
That is all.
Okay, okay. It tastes like the horse they got it from has a UTI, but you know what? Fuck it. It's one of those things that you either emphatically love or completely despise, and I fall decidedly into the former camp. Let me list the ways in which PBR is awesome.
- It is a goddamn American classic. Been around since before the Civil War and won its namesake Blue Ribbon right around the time this country was still powered by trains and land snatching. 'Murrca!
- Presumably it has some trace amounts of alcohol in it, as evidenced by both the age requirement to purchase it and the fact that I'll work up a decent buzz after about half a case of them. As we all know, alcohol makes everything better.
- I can literally hydrate myself off of nothing but PBR. I really have no comment on that, except for the fact that human body is an amazing thing, with the liver being a particularly clever organ.
- In most places, PBR is substantially cheaper than energy drinks (which destroy your body, and don't get you drunk) and bottled water (which, again, does not get you drunk). At my local Post Exchange, you will receive a nickel back from a six dollar bill when purchasing a twelve pack of it. That's 49.17 cents per.
- PBR is available in both bottles and cans for the same low price. Cans are great because you can shotgun them (which is really just the epitome of class) before you crush them and spike them at your buddy's face in a declaration of manly awesomeness. Bottles, meanwhile, make excellent paper weights. Win-win.
- Tom Raper drinks it.
Pabst Blue Ribbon: if you don't like it, you're probably a freedom-hating communist.
That is all.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Small Miracles
Finally found my original set of dog tags that I lost sometime last year. I searched high and low for those bastards, too.
They were in the front pocket of my dress uniform jacket... tells you how often I wear dress blues.
They were in the front pocket of my dress uniform jacket... tells you how often I wear dress blues.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Thoughts On Mexico
So here's something I've been giving a fair amount of thought to lately.
What in the serious fuck is up with our neighbor to the south? More importantly, where is the news coverage/public outrage over this travesty?
Think about it. No one bats an eye anymore when multiple bodies (or parts thereof) are dumped in a major metropolitan area of Mexico (more here). Be warned, there are some mildly graphic pictures in that article. That took place directly across the border from the Texas city of Laredo, and has happened in several other border cities, notably Juarez. These types of atrocities have been occurring for a decade or more. (Edit: How did I miss this? "More than 50,000 people have been killed [nationwide] since the Mexican government began a crackdown on narco-trafficking in 2006.")
So here we sit as a country, spending billions upon trillions of dollars (not to mention the lives of our servicemen) to fight for democracy in not just another nation, but another continent... yet we allow extreme violence to become commonplace in a nation which shares nearly 2,000 miles of largely unguarded border with us.
This is a huge long term mistake - and here's why.
First, if you haven't noticed, Mexico has become one of the most (if not THE most) violent "at peace" nations in the world. It's a telling fact that the world barely notices as dozens of hanged/decapitated bodies turn up in a city that borders the US. Simply put, this kind of brutality has become commonplace as a result of drug cartels who, collectively, likely have more pull than their federal government.
Second, Mexico (as mentioned above) shares a very porous border nearly 2,000 miles in length with us. This border serves as an inlet for all types of horrors, the obvious ones being narcotics. However, since the drug cartels that control the border flow are simple profiteers, their travel routes are open to all. Oh, hey there, anti-American extremists! Welcome to our country.
Third, their violence has involved, and continues to involve, US citizens. Granted, American tourists are annoying as fuck, but I hardly think that warrants their abduction or murder.
Fourth, the Mexican government is unable to counteract this threat. Police/military leaders who speak against the cartels, often even their families are publicly assassinated without repercussion. Cartels have the all important aspect of fire superiority within their areas of operation, precluding anything but all-out military action - which the Mexican government will not authorize for fear that it will escalate into civil war, thus castrating their international standing as a free state.
Fifth... I was going to bypass this one, since it should be obvious to anyone with a pulse, but: if Mexico wasn't in the crime-driven economic shitstorm they're in, why would they illegally emigrate to the US as they are now? Problem solved, problem staying solved.
.......
So now that you've had a chance to absorb that - yes, my response is direct military action. Sometimes, war IS the answer.
A la Baghdad, in miniature: assault with a brigade per city (or several, depending on size), isolating the known cartel-controlled areas via fixed-wing, CAS, armor, arty, naval gunship if available - every asset we have. Send SOCOM sniper/recon teams in advance of the main elements to provide intelligence and covering fire. Breach, clear, rinse and repeat.
Just one dumb grunt's opinion, take it for what you will.
Stay classy.
What in the serious fuck is up with our neighbor to the south? More importantly, where is the news coverage/public outrage over this travesty?
Think about it. No one bats an eye anymore when multiple bodies (or parts thereof) are dumped in a major metropolitan area of Mexico (more here). Be warned, there are some mildly graphic pictures in that article. That took place directly across the border from the Texas city of Laredo, and has happened in several other border cities, notably Juarez. These types of atrocities have been occurring for a decade or more. (Edit: How did I miss this? "More than 50,000 people have been killed [nationwide] since the Mexican government began a crackdown on narco-trafficking in 2006.")
So here we sit as a country, spending billions upon trillions of dollars (not to mention the lives of our servicemen) to fight for democracy in not just another nation, but another continent... yet we allow extreme violence to become commonplace in a nation which shares nearly 2,000 miles of largely unguarded border with us.
This is a huge long term mistake - and here's why.
First, if you haven't noticed, Mexico has become one of the most (if not THE most) violent "at peace" nations in the world. It's a telling fact that the world barely notices as dozens of hanged/decapitated bodies turn up in a city that borders the US. Simply put, this kind of brutality has become commonplace as a result of drug cartels who, collectively, likely have more pull than their federal government.
Second, Mexico (as mentioned above) shares a very porous border nearly 2,000 miles in length with us. This border serves as an inlet for all types of horrors, the obvious ones being narcotics. However, since the drug cartels that control the border flow are simple profiteers, their travel routes are open to all. Oh, hey there, anti-American extremists! Welcome to our country.
Third, their violence has involved, and continues to involve, US citizens. Granted, American tourists are annoying as fuck, but I hardly think that warrants their abduction or murder.
Fourth, the Mexican government is unable to counteract this threat. Police/military leaders who speak against the cartels, often even their families are publicly assassinated without repercussion. Cartels have the all important aspect of fire superiority within their areas of operation, precluding anything but all-out military action - which the Mexican government will not authorize for fear that it will escalate into civil war, thus castrating their international standing as a free state.
Fifth... I was going to bypass this one, since it should be obvious to anyone with a pulse, but: if Mexico wasn't in the crime-driven economic shitstorm they're in, why would they illegally emigrate to the US as they are now? Problem solved, problem staying solved.
.......
So now that you've had a chance to absorb that - yes, my response is direct military action. Sometimes, war IS the answer.
A la Baghdad, in miniature: assault with a brigade per city (or several, depending on size), isolating the known cartel-controlled areas via fixed-wing, CAS, armor, arty, naval gunship if available - every asset we have. Send SOCOM sniper/recon teams in advance of the main elements to provide intelligence and covering fire. Breach, clear, rinse and repeat.
Just one dumb grunt's opinion, take it for what you will.
Stay classy.
I'd just like to take this moment...
... to congratulate everyone involved in this operation. Seriously, well done. But to whomever leaked the details:
Really, you fucking dolts? Anyone here ever heard of OPSEC?
If you're one of my weirdo civilian friends and haven't actually heard of it, it's an acronym for Operational Security. It isone of the single most important aspect of any military or clandestine activity. Basically - don't let the enemy know what you're doing. Simple concept, I know, but apparently it's difficult for some of us...
HAY GUYS WE TOTALLY JUST INFILTRATED YOU LOLZ.
Nice work sacrificing an incredible amount of hard work and potential future intelligence just to gain political advantage from this one minor victory. Dipshits.
Really, you fucking dolts? Anyone here ever heard of OPSEC?
If you're one of my weirdo civilian friends and haven't actually heard of it, it's an acronym for Operational Security. It is
HAY GUYS WE TOTALLY JUST INFILTRATED YOU LOLZ.
Nice work sacrificing an incredible amount of hard work and potential future intelligence just to gain political advantage from this one minor victory. Dipshits.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
You Can Tell The Same Lie A Thousand Times, But It Never Gets Any More True
"...so close your eyes once more, and once more believe that they all still believe in you." - Lamb of God
Despite the fact that you don't hear much about it from whatever bullshit news station you watch, our war in Afghanistan is still hot as hell.
Lately I find myself wondering - does the lack of media coverage have anything to do with the fact that it's an election year? No, I must be paranoid - there's no chance that the completely independent and unbiased news media in this country would ever suppress a story to protect the image of a favored candidate. That's madness, bordering on heresy...
It's also become a sad truth that the majority of the American people are entirely too occupied with themselves to give a fuck about another soldier dying in service to their country. I find it quite ironic that the blanket of freedom afforded to this country's populace allows it to completely disregard the cost and value thereof. Watching it happen in real time has been the single most disheartening thing I've ever witnessed - the word "disgust" comes to mind.
To my friends and brothers deployed in that pit of misery known as A-stan - stay safe, keep at it, and keep it warm for me. Your efforts are still appreciated by some of us back here.
- Jack
Despite the fact that you don't hear much about it from whatever bullshit news station you watch, our war in Afghanistan is still hot as hell.
Lately I find myself wondering - does the lack of media coverage have anything to do with the fact that it's an election year? No, I must be paranoid - there's no chance that the completely independent and unbiased news media in this country would ever suppress a story to protect the image of a favored candidate. That's madness, bordering on heresy...
It's also become a sad truth that the majority of the American people are entirely too occupied with themselves to give a fuck about another soldier dying in service to their country. I find it quite ironic that the blanket of freedom afforded to this country's populace allows it to completely disregard the cost and value thereof. Watching it happen in real time has been the single most disheartening thing I've ever witnessed - the word "disgust" comes to mind.
To my friends and brothers deployed in that pit of misery known as A-stan - stay safe, keep at it, and keep it warm for me. Your efforts are still appreciated by some of us back here.
- Jack
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Cinco De Mayo
Happy Tequila Day. More importantly, happy birthday to my good friends Balls and Sarah... many more to ya.
I had a few shots of some Sauza Reposado in honor of this horrible, evil holiday. I counted three before calling it quits, since a large dose of tequila will generally have particularly nasty effects on my personality and/or ability to make rational decisions. There are enough scars on my body as it stands. For those who have not been blessed with its inebriation, here's how you count to four with tequila shots:
One tequila
Two tequila
Three tequila
Floor.
...
Goddamnit, it is absolutely pouring outside. It never fails: it is guaranteed to rain within 48 hours of me washing my car. Least she's got a good coat of wax on her. Shouldn't be too difficult to clean.
Ah well, looks like a good excuse to stay in tonight and order a pizza.
Adios
I had a few shots of some Sauza Reposado in honor of this horrible, evil holiday. I counted three before calling it quits, since a large dose of tequila will generally have particularly nasty effects on my personality and/or ability to make rational decisions. There are enough scars on my body as it stands. For those who have not been blessed with its inebriation, here's how you count to four with tequila shots:
One tequila
Two tequila
Three tequila
Floor.
...
Goddamnit, it is absolutely pouring outside. It never fails: it is guaranteed to rain within 48 hours of me washing my car. Least she's got a good coat of wax on her. Shouldn't be too difficult to clean.
Ah well, looks like a good excuse to stay in tonight and order a pizza.
Adios
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Hot Weather Blows.
I'm really not built for this crap. 90 degrees and humid is completely out of my comfort zone, especially when I'm stuck in uniform all day. To add insult to injury, the air conditioning in the barracks won't drop below about 75... as a result, I've begun acting as if pants were never invented while I'm off duty.
In comparison, my dad's mountain house got snowed on last weekend. I can't even fathom what 20 degrees would feel like right now. Probably amazing, particularly since it provides an excellent excuse to fortify oneself with copious amounts of single malt and be unproductive.
Le sigh. I can't wait to get out of the south and back to Colorado for good.
~ The mountain man, missing his mountains.
In comparison, my dad's mountain house got snowed on last weekend. I can't even fathom what 20 degrees would feel like right now. Probably amazing, particularly since it provides an excellent excuse to fortify oneself with copious amounts of single malt and be unproductive.
Le sigh. I can't wait to get out of the south and back to Colorado for good.
~ The mountain man, missing his mountains.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Things I Do After Work
That's actually a Sierra Nevada Pale, but I love the glass.
And, of course, SigForum.
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