After my drive today, I realized one thing:
All of you fucking people suck at driving. Seriously.
So, despite the irony of me offering advice on how to NOT be a complete prick, I'm willing to offer up a few free lessons on a subject I am truly an expert on - highway driving etiquette. Welcome to the introductory level course.
The biggest thing is to not start a Mexican roadblock in the passing lane. If you are in the left lane, and several cars are riding your ass or vehicles are passing you, you are fucking wrong. Solution: while gripping the steering wheel, extend your left middle finger until it finds the turn signal switch. Raise said finger 1/2" or until the switch locks, causing your blinker (yes, you have those on your car, I swear) to indicate a right lane change. After checking to make sure you aren't going to run anyone off the road (actually look over your shoulder, you lazy piece of shit), move your car smoothly into the right lane. And stay there. BAM. You have just completed the hardest test of highway driving 101. I now grant you permission to continue breathing, which requires slightly more effort than the maneuver described above.
The next thing is somewhat advanced... if your IQ is equal to your shoe size. It's known as passing. So, let's say you're in moderate traffic, with drivers moving at speeds varying from 68-80 MPH - very realistic for a highway with a 70 MPH speed limit.
So you're doing 72, and you think, "Oh, I'm going above the speed limit. I can chill in the passing lane!" WRONG BITCH. While you're doing 72 on the way back from your grandkids house to cash your social security check, the rest of us with jobs actually have places to be. Like Yours Truly, who has to drive ten fucking hours each way just to get a break from work, and has to get back before he's reported AWOL. So. Traffic's moving, you've got your cruise control set at 72, and come upon a truck going 71. This truck has other vehicles in front of him. You get into the left lane to pass. At this rate, it will take you several minutes to overtake the two to three vehicles in front of you... in the meantime, those of us with said jobs and/or radar detectors (they're cheap and effective!) are stacked up behind you, wondering whether we need to call 911 and report that the dipshit in front of us is having an aneurism behind the wheel. Lesson here: if you are passing someone at 1-2 MPH above their speed, and even 1 or 2 cars stack up behind you, it's time to hop on the accelerator (it's the pedal on your right), gain a little speed, pass, and get back into the right lane - all before the rest of us die of old age. At this point, you may go back to your highly risky and/or scandalous 2 MPH over.
Another thing. I always hear people, who are inevitably pussies, ask why anyone would need to go faster than the limit - "after all, that is the speed LIMIT." Yeah, well speed limits, like all laws, are designed to compensate for the lowest common denominator in society; that being you. Speed limits are in fact a realistic minimum. So jog off.
Oh, and you don't have to slow down to 10 MPH under the limit every time you see a cop on the side of the road. I promise, they don't give out extra points for brown-nosing. And half the time, they don't even have their radar on; they're just sitting there because they know all the idiot sheep will slam on the brakes at the mere sight of them.
Hope you got something out of that class. Night.
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