Fayettenam 101: Introduction to Classiness

Hi.

My name is Jack, and I live in Fayetteville, NC - the worst city in the contiguous United States. So bad, in fact, that we (my fellow paratroopers and I) no longer refer to it by its proper name, but by two distinct nicknames - Fayettenam and Braggdad. The latter is, of course, a reference to the Army base that borders the city.

Through a series of unfortunate events (all started by yours truly), I now live next to this massive apocalyptic jumblefuck. You see, I thought it would be a phenomenal idea to become an Army paratrooper. This is where that decision landed me. Don't get me wrong - I love my job, and I'm proud to be able to serve my country in a meaningful way. Do not confuse my hatred of where I am for hatred of what I am; though the two are inextricably correlated, as my math teachers always taught me, correlation does not equal causation. Whatever the hell that means.

I enjoy writing, and many people have told me that they enjoy reading what I write, so it seemed like a good idea to start again. I'd also like to think I lead a fairly interesting life - interesting enough to write about, but probably not interesting enough to make it into a movie. Really, I do some pretty cool shit, and I hang out with lots of really entertaining (if functionally retarded) people. So read about it, or bad things will happen to you.

A little about myself: I'm in my early 20s. I'm 5'11" of sex and manliness. I hail from Fort Collins, CO, land of wonderful beer and self-righteous dipshit college students. Excluding drinking, my two biggest hobbies involve guns and cars, and I have very nice examples of both. I drive a newer Corvette; her name is Vanessa and we are inseparable. Seriously, I fucking love that car.

I drink so much I can't really think of the appropriate words to describe it. Let's just say it's noon and I'm sitting here aided by my good friend Crown Royal, recovering from a pretty good hangover (more about the cause of that hangover later). I am a pretty upfront person and I swear a lot, so if that offends you, you may want to leave with your delicate sensibilities still intact. I can be pretty goddamn offensive sometimes, but that's just who I am. Love it or leave it.

My goal here is to document all the dumb, crazy, entertaining, and just plain retarded shit my friends and I do. I will leave out names when appropriate, and rest assured you're not always going to get the full story because there is just some stuff I can't put on the internet due to the nature of my job (Big Brother is watching...) I want to keep the posts at an unhealthy mix of work-related and personal, just to keep things interesting. But most of all, I want to entertain you, because I'm such a nice guy.